The Gwyneth Paltrow Language Game: 10 Re-descriptions of Boring Language


Gwyneth Paltrow has a real way with words, doesn’t she? Don’t you just love how she can take a boring old concept like divorce and describe it in a really unusual way so that it sounds like a sexy new concept but is, in fact, the same concept dressed in a new set of clothes? I sure do. In fact, as soon as I discovered that Gwynnie had decided to say that she was consciously uncoupling from Chris Martin rather than getting divorced from him, I was so excited that I decided to have a go at playing the Gwyneth Paltrow Language Game with some words and phrases of my own choosing. Oh what fun I had. The first word on the list is the one that started it all…

1. Divorce

Translation: Conscious uncoupling


That’s it Peter! I’ve had ENOUGH! I want a conscious uncouplement.

You want WHAT? Over my dead body Marjorie.

No Peter. That would be unconscious uncouplement.


2. One Night Stand

Translation: Singular twilight encounter


Oh my, Catherine. I didn’t see you as the type to have a singular twilight encounter. Especially since you’re married with two kids.

I know! It was wild. It certainly beats that biannual dusk rendezvous I have with my husband. That’s always such a disappointment…


3. Breakfast

Translation: Dinner of the morn


Come on kids! Your dinner of the morn’s getting cold! And if you don’t hurry up, you’ll be late for the transportation device to the educational institution!


4. Walking the Dog

Translation: Promenading the flea-bag


Margaret, I’m going to promenade the flea bag. I won’t be long.

Alright Bill. You’d better take these with you.

She hands him a packet of gummy bears.

What are these for?

The flea bag of course.

But Fido doesn’t eat gummy bears.

Oh you’re talking Fido for a walk? I thought you were talking about our four-year-old son! Silly me!


5. Making a cake

Translation: Constructing a flour house


I’ll have the Richardson File done by 5. No problem! Piece of flour house!


6. Brushing your teeth

Translation: Sweeping your molars

Come on kids! It’s time to sweep your molars and go to your sleep box.


7. Dream

Translation: Sleep-induced hallucination

Aw, little Timmy. Did you have a bad sleep-induced hallucination?


8. Reading the Paper

Translation: Examination of the fear-generator

Derek, have you examined today’s fear-generator?

No, not yet. Why?

I read an article that said that people who eat white bread are 7 times more likely to be involved in a fatal trampoline accident.

What!? Christ. Better set fire to the trampoline then..


9. Side-Splittingly Funny

Translation: Lung-crumblingly amusing

John, I know that joke was funny, but we need to get you to the emergency room. NOW!


10. Crying

Translation: Leaking from your eyes

Husband and wife watching Sophie’s Choice

Husband sits with his head in his hands, making small muffled sounds.

It’s alright, Patrick. First thing tomorrow I’ll call the plumber. We’ll have that leaking sorted in no time.


So, as you can see, The Gwyneth Paltrow Language Game is great fun for all the family. Go on, have a go!






14 thoughts on “The Gwyneth Paltrow Language Game: 10 Re-descriptions of Boring Language”

  1. Well….I certainly don’t need to read anymore of this blog (though I’m certainly going to!) to know that I’m clicking the “Follow” button immediately if not sooner! You’re my type of writer/thinker/spoofer/originator! BRAVO!! Loved this piece.

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