10 Ridiculous and Useless Tips for Saving Money

Dog begging for money, any spare change, Charlie Castor

1. Instead of spending money on coffee to wake you up in the morning, slap yourself across the face at regular intervals throughout the day. Remove rings.

2. Instead of regularly buying a new packet of cigarettes, get your smoke second-hand.

3. If you live with people who regularly talk a lot of nonsense, or are “full of hot air”, gather around them to keep warm.

4. Instead of buying a newspaper every day, spend extended periods of time observing things that happen around you, in the hope that you see newsworthy events as they happen.

5. If you comb your hair in the morning, and your comb breaks one day, instead of buying a new comb, use a fork.

6. In an attempt to save water, carry a bar of soap with you at all times, so that when it rains, you may shower in the rain.

7. If you have children aged 3 and upwards, suggest that they get a job so that they can start pulling their weight financially.

8. Go round to your neighbour’s house and ask to borrow their hammer. When they aren’t looking, empty the contents of their fruit-bowl into your trousers. Make sure that your trousers are tucked into your socks, however, as a stray satsuma rolling out of the bottom of your trousers will give the whole game away.

9. Instead of buying pet cats, dogs, or guinea pigs, keep pet squirrels and owls from the nearest woods.

10. Instead of buying milk to put in your cereal/coffee/tea, source a ewe from your local shepherd. Ewe’s milk is an acquired taste, admittedly, but it’ll save you a hell of a lot of money.

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