Once upon a time there were three bears that lived in a house in the woods. Daddy bear was a very large bear, Mummy bear was smaller than Daddy bear (and was probably a size 14 in petticoats) and Baby bear was tiny. In fact, Baby bear was so tiny that Daddy bear sometimes stepped on him accidentally.
Every morning Mummy bear made porridge for breakfast. One morning the porridge was too hot for the bears to eat, so Daddy bear suggested that they go for a walk to let it cool down. The three bears skipped merrily away into the woods.
It just so happened that a girl with beautiful blond hair was walking past the three bears’ house that morning. Her name was Goldilocks. The smell of the bears’ porridge wafted towards her through the open kitchen window, and Goldilocks thought to herself “Oh, what a lovely smell!”. On a whim, she decided to climb through the window. She was ravenous, and the smell of the porridge was making her mouth water. She clambered through the window, and lowered herself into the kitchen. She saw three bowls of porridge sitting on the table. One bowl was big, one bowl was medium sized, and one bowl was tiny. As she was so hungry, she sat down beside the biggest bowl, which was Daddy bear’s bowl. She picked up the gleaming spoon, and took a spoonful of the sweet smelling porridge.
“F*** me! That’s disgusting!” Goldilocks exclaimed, putting down the spoon.
She stood up and went towards the fridge. Upon opening the fridge, she discovered several bottles of golden coloured liquid glinting in the morning light.
“Ah, that’ll help me wash away the taste of that awful porridge” she said as she helped herself to a bottle.
Some time later the three bears returned from their walk. Daddy bear looked down at his bowl of porridge, and asked,
“Who’s been eating my porridge?”
“What the hell are you accusing me of now, Derek?” Asked Mummy bear. “This is what I’ve been talking about! All I get are accusations…”
“No Mary, look!” Said Daddy bear, holding out the spoon. “Someone’s been eating my bloody porridge!”
Mary looked closer at the outstretched spoon.
“Oh…I see…That’s odd..”
“What does ‘bloody’ mean?” asked Baby bear.
“Hush now, Baby bear.” Said Daddy bear.
“Is there someone in the house?” Mummy bear asked anxiously.
Suddenly there was a sound of breaking glass.
“Christ, Derek! That sounded like it was coming from upstairs!” Mummy bear said, as she clutched at Daddy bear’s paw.
“Right…I’m calling the Police!” Daddy bear announced, as he strode towards the phone.
Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door.
“Good morning Mr and Mrs Grizzly. We recieved a call from you this morning regarding a suspected break-in. I’m Sergeant Rose, and this is Sergeant Castor.”
“Yes, that’s right. Come in.” Daddy bear said, stepping aside to let the officers in.
“Right folks, try to remain calm. It’s probably just teenagers. There’s some rowdy youths around these parts. Please remain in the kitchen. Sergeant Castor and I will search your house.”
The police officers quietly crept around the living room. There was a sound of breaking glass again. They left the living room and slowly ventured upstairs towards the sound. They edged towards Mummy bear and Daddy bear’s bedroom. In one swift movement, they burst into the room.
“It’s the police! Put your hands in the air!” Shouted Sergeant Rose.
“What? What the hell’s goin’ on…?” Slurred Goldilocks, who was sprawled over the bed, surrounded by bottles.
“Miss, we have reason to believe that you are an intruder in this house. We’d like you to come with us.”
“I’m just…I’m jus’ havin’ a nap…you know what I mean?”
“This is not your house. Miss…what is your name?”
“Listen Miss Goldilocks, you’ve illegally entered the house of these bears, and you appear to have consumed a great deal of their alcohol.”
“I only had three…or four.”
“Come on Miss Goldilocks. It’s time to go.” Said Sergeant Rose.
The officers hoisted Goldilocks to her feet, and helped her to stagger downstairs.
“Who the hell are you?” Daddy bear shouted, as the bedraggled mess of blond curls stumbled into the kitchen.
“I’m f****** Goldilocks! Who the f*** are you?” she shouted as she fell out the door.
So kids, the moral of this story is that you shouldn’t drink the bottles of golden liquid that are in the fridge. Those are special drinks for mummies and daddies.